Today's challenge was "self portrait". Talk about bringing out the adolescent in this 34 year old! I can't say I've ever left the adolescent insecurity over my looks behind; but somehow I've learned to, you know, deal with it, and love life anyway. I've never got the clear skin I wish I had. Nope, I've brought the ol' acne right along with me. And two years ago I started to go noticeably gray. And then the crows feet began to dig in. And then that cute dimple I had in my twenties turned into a trench beside my mouth. That's just the facial load.
Somewhere along the line I looked in the mirror and discovered that I got my mother's legs. I'm not sure how that works; she still has her legs. Anyway, she has nice legs. But they don't look 17 anymore. Mine don't either.
Most of the time I'm too busy doing life as a wife and mother to get hung up on these things. I see it, but I don't have time to agonize over it. But it hits me now and then. It gets me. I look in the mirror and I see a (tired) thirty something woman with two kids and a thirty something husband. Seventeen years ago I thought a life such as this looked liked pure drudgery. Seventeen years ago I was filled with big dreams and a melancholy heart full of beautiful music just ready to spill out to an adoring audience. By the time I was 24 I was lonely and pretty disillusioned with music-it was all hard work and debilitating stage fright. So I married my best friend. I worked hard on music for another two years, but the clock said it was time to have babies.
So here I am. I'm 34, definitely maturing, and nothing to show for it. I go to do a self portrait and spend a morning feeling like a thirteen year old, trying to find an angle that's kind.
Not that it took until today to have these thoughts. They've been kicking in there..... Hair dye? Wrinkle cream? Hours on the elliptical machine? Thoughts like these in between "what's for dinner?" and "who made this mess?" And somewhere in there the things that I've been taught: that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. That charm is deceptive, but a woman that fears the Lord shall be praised. And the things I've been blessed with: being married to the kindest man in the universe, being the mother of the two sweetest little girls I've ever known, learning that I love flowers, learning to love music again now that I'm not trying to achieve anything.
I still dream. My heart is still full of music that I wish I could express to the world-probably that is the dream that lingers. But the world is full of far better musicians and I've learned that that dream held tightly kills my joy. So I let it be.
And no, I'm not above wrinkle cream and the elliptical machine. Somewhere in all these thoughts I'm at peace. I'm not particularly happy with all externals, but well, I'm not thirteen anymore. God is good and He knows how to deal with wrinkles and dormant dreams.
I'm still in line waiting for one of your CDs. You have some BEAUTIFUL songs to share with the world and a BEAUTIFUL voice with which to share them! I love/d singing and composing too, but you could pretty much "blow me outta the water." If you don't make a whole CD then maybe you should do some 'singles'. Sometimes I find myself back in our youth days and remember you singing and playing the song....."You were all that I ever wanted......." soooo beautiful and made perfect by how you sang it! If that one ever makes it to a CD I for SURE want at least one copy!!!! I'll enjoy following your June Photo Challenge :-)
ReplyDeleteSuch a thought provoking post and so well written. I can so relate with you on the insecurities but I must admit I'm much better at being comfortable with my out-of-shape self in my 30's then I was when I was in me teens even though I am a lot heavier and more gray now than I was then. We all face these struggles and comparing ourselves never gets us anywhere, except jealousy. I, for one, think you're beautiful, you're the mother of some precious kids and are such a good wife to my dear brother (I like your descriptions of him, made me smile), you are a Godly woman and give me good advice, and I have to admit I am a tiny bit jealous of your lifestyle. One day I want that. Lots of gardening and paradise yard. :) Also, you have killer legs just so you know. ;) Keep dreaming on the music and don't ever give up on your passion for it.
ReplyDeleteApril, you did good, and I smiled my way thru this post because I can identify with much of it, as can probably most every other 30-something woman! And the music.....I'm one of those still waiting for a CD. I haven't forgotten. I think one day you will do it. Sometimes dreams that sit and age awhile turn out even lovelier than one might have first anticipated....just a little different maybe!
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you are wrong about one thing, you are 34 and maturing but you DO have alot to show for it - far beyond what the 17 year old you had. Keep dreaming!:-)